I still think about the one that got away. Quite a lot actually. Considering that it was hardly an epic romance but we clicked. And it must have been more than just a fling since now he won't speak to me anymore.

I guess it's hard to think about what might have been. Hmm.

I had my first councilling session on Wednesday, and the rest are going to be on Wednesdays too weekly. It was weird and I found it ironic that her name is Anna. I cried as soon as I walked in, even though before it I felt more hollow than emotional. It was strange speaking to someone I didn't know, and especially since I was so erratic. There's too much on my mind to get out, and she even said to me she could see I was hurting as soon as I walked in. She said she could sense that there was too much bottled up, and the confusion and guilt I have about everything I've done and all the decisions I've made in my life.

I've become slightly bitter recently. After spending so much time feeling guilty about the past and my relationships with my family, friends, etc. it changed. I started wondering why people expect so much from me. The answer is that I'm a push-over, and I've bent over backwards for so many people, just to be either abondoned or stabbed in the back. Why the fuck is it such a crime for me to finally live my life for ME and not to the benefit and happiness of other people? I've dug a hole in that because I'm generous and self-less people expect that of me, and they take advantage of me. And I HATE that. I need to learn to grow a pair and if people ask something of me, or EXPECT something of me (which I find really, REALLY irritating at the moment) that I don't want to do, or can't afford to do, or for whatever reason, then I should just tell them to do one.

I realised yesterday how long it's been since I've felt truly happy, without depression hanging over me. Yesterday was Valentine's Day, and I actually felt HAPPY. I didn't realise how long it had been because I'd forgotten what it had felt like. It surprised me because I didn't particularly have any plans, we just stayed in watching films and had a take away. I'd gone out partying the night before and expected to be on a downer from the coke, but I was surprised to find just the opposite. I couldn't explain it, and I can't now. Now I feel okay, but yesterday I felt like the old me. Shame the new "me" is so present so much of the time.

I'm going on a diet tomorrow. I'm ballooning out of control. I'm trying to take order of my life... kinda. Depends on the day. Somedays I feel I can control my issues (although this is happening less and less lately). Majority of days I can't control the bad thoughts and I wonder what exactly life is about. I wonder why we put ourselves through it. I hate feeling this way, because I don't want to die. I just want to be fixed and to embrace life how I used to. I'm making plans to do a lot of stuff that I want to do, but definitely can't afford. I'm going to London to see the Kaiser Chiefs on 6th March and some point after that I'm going to Bristol to see a friend, and it's somewhere I've never been before so I'm very excited about it. Making plans is great because it gives me something to focus on. I'd love to go on holiday somewhere this summer, somewhere like Malia or Ibiza where I can spend a week being completely reckless and it doesn't matter! It will propel me back to my student days, which I miss ridiculously right now. I guess I don't want to grow up...

I reeeeeeeeeally hope I get a job soon. I need money to do all of these things and I'm officially the skintest and most in debt I've ever, ever been, to the point where that's making me miserable whenever I'm not thinking of all my other issues. I hate money bothering me. You know you're old when money bothers you and you find yourself looking for more updates on the recession... >:(

In a months time I want to have a job, be a stone lighter and be a better, happier, less-selfish person.

Let's see how it goes. Cya in a month x

I am depressed.
I have an eating disorder.
I have my first counciling session on Monday, but I'm scared... I'm scared of someone I don't know telling me that there's something seriously wrong with me. I feel like I'm beyond repair.

In an attempt not to fall back into the arms of my good old friend "bulimia" I am attempting to starve myself until I've lost enough weight that I don't feel like a complete whale and think constantly about how I want to slice myself open to rip the fat out of my body.

In 2 days I have consumed:

1 x bowl of soup
1 x small portion of casserole my mum made

Both of these I ate purely because I was pretty much forced into eating it.
After both of them I wanted to be sick.
If I had been alone and not had watchful eyes on me I would have done.
Instead I sat there pretending I was so glad to have something down me.
Inside I was wondering how they'd notice if I slipped away...

Yes, I am back in the throws of an eating disorder. Again. The worst thing is that I'm not stupid and I know I have this wrong with me. It really hit me yesterday how much it's really effecting my mental health, my physical health, and my life.

My social life is about to take a nose dive:

- No more getting stoned and munchies
- No more eating out in restaurants
- No more take aways in front of DVDs
- No more drinking pints at the pub
- No more drinking full stop really.

The thing is I know I'm going to fall of the wagon. That is the worst part. Next week my Mum is on holiday for a week and her boyfriend is going to propose to her (but she doesn't know yet) and I know what will happen. My new boyfriend is staying with me which will mean 2 things:

1) I'll cave into some form of eating
2) I'll sneak off to be sick

The only problem is he will be looking out for me. He knows about my problems and said he won't stand by and watch me do that to myself no matter what I threaten him with. It's both comforting but frustrating. What a contradiction!

The only thing I'm hoping will save me from eating so much crap that week is the amount of substances that will be in my body that surpress appetite. With some luck I won't even want to eat!!


One of the exercises I've been told to do is to keep a record of my feelings. Well there's a tangent of my current thoughts going around my head at this very moment. Enjoy the Diary of a Bulimic Waster with severe 'Emotional' issues.

Vicky spends 90% of her life feeling guilty.

I have an alter-ego and her name is Ana.

She comes and goes... She's back at the moment. I've been better, but strangely enough I think I've missed her.

Just want to let anyone out there who cares that I'm really good now. I've not done it now for... weeks and weeks, maybe a couple of months. Still think about it, but I'm in control of it. Lost half a stone the last couple of weeks through dieting and feels soooo much better for it. Gonna carry on :) Going to Amsterdam again Sunday (3rd time in a year!) so I imagine I'll prob pile the weight back on there but I'm gonna try and be good :) Don't really seem to get the munchies anymore (prob too much of it oops lol) so hopefully I can curb the binging there, which I need to do cos it might tip me over the edge again :S

Hope everyone is good =3 x x x

(and I'm pink again! hurray!)

Here's the deal! I am on a diet... and I've decided to document it weekly on here... I think moreso for my own records! Aim is 10st 4... So I need to lose 26lbs to get to it. So if you can't work that out I'm 12st 2, which is the heaviest I've been since 4 years ago when I dropped from 15st to... yes, you guessed it: 10st 4!

So here we go!

I need to do this... because I don't want to slip back into old habits shall we say :)

MOTIVATE ME PEOPLE! :D hehe x x x

Even now there's something
To be proud about
You come up the hard way
And they'll remind you every day
You're nothing



I got a 2:1 today :) FUCK YEAH!!

[EDIT] Thanks to the two people who commented on my last post, I appreciate it and to let you know I'm doing well :) I'm getting better so thank you for the kind words guys! <3 [/EDIT]

So I told my Mum tonight about my bulimia. She cried :( I feel so guilty, she's got enough on her mind with my brother that I feel bad for creating extra stress. But she's told me stuff about her life I had no idea of, and I felt like I should tell her. I was really scared, because now I know I need to stop.

Time to get better. Wish me luck, I'm pretty sure I'm going to need it.

I don't feel ready for the "real" world.

I don't know what I want to do with my life.